LAFogle – Teaching copying plagiarizing. FutureYou Stardate: 071723

Hello, FutureYou.

2023. I teach Music Technology across genres, and creative arts such as writing, at a University, through arts councils and non-profits, and I mentor a lot. I don’t ask brilliance to copy form. Creativity is not about copying.

Being an automaton has its positive place; like in composition where one might need to break down another’s voice as a pastime standard. To copy/variate source material so a musicologist can weigh in on if the emulation is different enough for the emulator or the emulator’s employer to not be sued for infringement. I’d like to see a branch of that profession within the showering principles of writing. 

Perhaps the breadth of this is bigger city stuff. I’m saying to not take a dopamine hit by encouraging “free(ing) writing” within the realm of emulating, at least without an ethics lesson. You certainly don’t have a release form.

Everything is about to change, while the schools of theory can go on about their needs of standardizing the measure of trends. But there is something new under the sun. And there will be no renaissance of thought if we are cycling and regurgitating what we already see.

And what is emulation of writing? Good question if asked without sneaky or shady short roads to spirit: assessing getting by with a take. I mean, with that who knows what’s about conscience—their mentor said it was cool. O and O, I digress.

One of my friends had her book stolen by and copied, with some sloppy name changes, for the empire of an established name. It about broke her to have her life experience and work yanked away. Very hard to prove up until soon. Another reason I look forward to AI. She almost had those chronic thieves proved but juries were not equipped to definitely rule. Soon, my pets. All of you who suffered. The tools come and lawyers work on commission.

Um, back to whatever; if you’re a teacher who advises copying, then oof on you. When I see encouragement on variating written works and without even ethics statements, I feel like these secure encouragers confuse freedom with plagiarism and never heard of Napster or the fall of multiple industries. I mean, as long as you see the historic twists of parody’s mess in the English language and still think our time is a loanword/loantime then fine. As long as you see it and buh-leave you are aces with the free-for-all while ignoring containment and plagiarism. 

I got a bit dramatic there. I like teachers but there is no need for this. The past 9 or ten years have been tone-deaf with the razing the entire creative industry. Writers share free audiobook narration while complaining about AI. Wake up the tropes and the troupes. Ethics within creativity is perhaps the best place we can teach freedom of ideas. Pure creative advancement has no pre-existing uniform. So, jump or don’t off a precipice without casting a feelgood mindset on theft. And Hollywood has never cared this place or most others outside of looking uncomfortably close at our trends. 

This situation was not created by subjective ideas. So, what about a union of the person connecting to what they connect with while knowing that what is “not new under the sun” is an old maxim. I swear that freedom of creativity and emulating don’t have to be so infused…there are longer-term issues here and community is more expansive than who or what we see. 

~LAFogle 7/17/23 

p.s. And please, for your own peace, always give credit where credit is due. Sleep is important.

p.s.s. If not sleep then know that AI will help our government get control back on the explosion of copyright infringement that went away when the internet exploded. Don’t steal! Right is right and right is might.

FutureYou. Stardate 070623 PsyOops, gimmeduladle, masonicdisorders

Anyone hear that snapping sound? Like a tight bright 2k snap. A whining sine that niggled too long. Aw, crap, now I have to look up niggle and some ill-timed jester is going to write a story about the poor wee/ill/spunky girl/mouse/duck/ladle before I even get a chance to empty my bowels.

Speaking of morning perspicacity (I’d like to circle back to discuss lack of balls), I intended to write about Dr Kellogg this morning. But now, Oof, I’m going to have to circle back to this too. Circling, circling, circling WHEE! Oops. Wheel.

Let’s do something fun!

I apologize for spinning out this morning. I just don’t like advantageous curators taking the only stick I have and throwing it off their cliff of wisdom. Poetry is in my soul, dorketh. And all of this bull monitoring—oops: something is off.

None of us can trust completely. I get so mad at the “authoritative” beasts who deliberately drove people mad to test their ability to be destroyed then built back up into automatons. How about a self-examination of psychopaths with power instead? Your disgusting side effects of power. Yes, I’m bring up MKUltra again. Those people you destroyed and watched suffer while taking notes on your little mini psychopaths who were taking notes on the first layer of people you destroyed. Why, there’s a Milgram experiment right there. And there and there ad nauseum. 

Let it go, Alice. Or they’ll write you right down into that hole until all language screams, while they mouth the words of their automatic pilots. 

*scribble scribble scribble* Hmm, very interesting. I recall the Illiad and the Odyssey being separated by my blah blah Oedipus blah. Ironically, irons are very irony like ironlike mom complex things. Don’t you think?

I’m asking everyone except Cassandra. We have shunned her like a bunch of balless (without balls) children who are bow-wow animals who cannot feel separated from society’s intoxicating brew of love. No one talk to Her Weirdness or dare translate the epic tale of her madness on that curse of how no one can hear her. Rinse and repeat.

I get so confused—which curse came first?

You all should believe very strongly, as clearly as you see colors, in hell. I’m this close [<———————->] to taking both of your leaders hands and asking where I can best lend balance. 

…uh-huh. Tempting. Of curse, I would need totally to be a free agent. None of that dual-duel working for you nonsense. Yeah? Great….ok, yes, I think we have a deal. No, I’m not signing that. Not until I word my end of the agreement. I don’t know, zoom? Or I can just call you back on this banana. Yep, love you, too. Bye.


I see some of you, students of institutions too smug for me, looking down and speculating hell. But wait, shut off your stories for a second because my kind are a twee bit more eternally fireproof—innoculated. The funniest thing, is that you’ve been breeding and cultivating this error! HA! Handing out your various big tall pointy hats and preaching about family while killing families at whim with your actual sick response to power. Is there any kind of connexion here between your bs and all these superhero movies? That’s why I like them though the tropes are tiring. At least AI can take over those five and ninefold tropes. Unless again they are fed that tripe.

M, C, S, O, et al, do or don't repeat after me:  I am a curator, too. 

And you there with the giant spectacle, take your self-cannibalism off of her. Go argue with a book about it.

Stinkronicity, safety in numbers, Fleming’s badda bing, automatic fem ducks, sharing rope, I yam, wearing critics in back of your head, poetry + expression 062723

Listen, I know when I’ve been read. I love synchronicity and am always on the lookout for it. Synchronicity is like a rainbow. You have to stop to appreciate the missing link of probability. Seek safety in numbers. Or electromagnetism. 

I mean, when I see a swarthy swaggard with a low-buttoned shirt point at me, wink, then make that moistened click-click sound, I assume he’s giving me the Fleming’s Hand signal: pointing out my magnetic field, offloading one or both of our currents, and letting that thumbs-up carry him into a groovy cosmic day.

What’s up, Babe? Flemings right-hand rule(s!)

But synchronicity is not specific like a verbatim lift off another’s work. Know thyself and hold center in your personal experience. Stall in the shadows of your higher guides and it tethers them from balancing a universe. Release the archetypes and the myths. Release the bats*. 

[*Birthday Party reference, 1982. No correlation between the lyrics and my interpretation of this coined expression. But the tone of that song is bangin!].

I have been t-r-y-i-n-g desperately to get a moment to do this online thing and hit Publish. My workload doesn’t provide enough play. I did play Saturday. Shared meals and walks with longtime friends and found luck. It’s good to get out.

But fu-uuuuu[k] a few ducks.

Not literal ducks—ducks are cool. I mean people being weird. Expression is necessary; repressed emotion can lead to violent reaction. Work it out on yourself. Who wants to invest in petty content and put it that in their head? That question echoes…. Wit, even scathing, is something entirely different and that I get. It is better to laugh if given that cathartic choice. But any group you seek to share the spice of life with can pass you weak sauce. Listen out for quacks about COMMUNITY.

Community can be code for turf. Ones wouldn’t need to defend virtual, hybrid, or in-person turf against what might seem obscure unless feeling threatened. People scoff if they think an existence scoffs at them, even though we all live 24 hours a day within personal missives that are not the same. Neighbors can act like patrols, mistaking divergence for deviance, and puffing up with self-righteousness as if authorities of this asstral turf.

Seeing this pattern when it comes to poetry is bleak. Like what poems did these aspirers read growing up? Mass thinking is a theme that’s been addressed quite a bit by writers. So it is interesting to see writers who’ve settled into their voice extend, within the support of a community of any size, some kind of gavel for molding others on their imagined turf into the limits of themselves. I’m not saying to destroy things but would like to ask again: If power were a pill, what would be your side effects?.

What is relatable, deep, or masterful to me means no loss in equal footing. Even if I feel like puffed-up power plays are noise, that occurring current is not directed. Within my own experience, I know great power when I read it. I knew it growing up and was lucky not to have to hurry with worry about fitting in to play follow-the-leader. One advantage of poverty is excusing yourself from games of whom can afford the best toys then struggling to realize that material things can be false securities or sidetracks to inner development.

I yam I yam I yam. 

Forgive my explosive outburst. I have ten minutes to exchange this block into energy.

Back to that great power, only a few books spooked me in my young days, mostly with haunted text of what they weren’t saying. Meanwhile, being graded on shutting up and determining from inane test questions what we’re supposed to glean from great and flowing rivers of literature. I do not believe I saw the same things the tests saw; they were captchas that ask you to identify mountains and they’re all on one side of the image, but a wee peak eeks from behind the corner of a building, plus all their reflections show in the pooled rain, so you try to guess what they want you to say. Pick your battles to get a good grade. And there’s often an opportunist standing nearby who tries to tell you that what you see is foolishly untrue. That is called posturing.

Taking a wagging voice from their psyche, engrained in their shadow—there’s that heavy word shadow again—and projecting it out as judge, jury, and executioner because it can’t be seen while happening, let alone let go, is far more destructive than being rubbed by a well-written poem one may not comprehend. It’s the critic one escapes by wearing in the back of the head.

Gee, was it something I said? In reality, my inner work doesn’t involve the phasing archetypes of others. There’s no one fix to problems that stick. There’s no one fix, to everyone’s problems, that sticks. There’s no one fix to everyone’s problems; at least not one that sticks. There’s no one fix to everyone’s problems—at least not one that sticks. There’s no one fix to everyone’s problems. At least not one that sticks. 

Is that everyone? Oh, right, hyphen. 

There’s no one-fix to everyone’s problems, at least not one that sticks. 

Happy? No? Maybe work on that strategy for mild and safe poetry? Might I suggest Fozzy bear jokes or teatime miniature precious moment quilts. Ha. 

Again, what poets expect that? Where? What did they read ever? If you suspend the thee and thine, poets were rich with vocabulary and metaphoric resonance. Puzzles that can save you should they become more true. Shake your fist at the language or the mirror or the sky. Look around. Go argue with Joyce because he will tire you from all your kicking.

Heartsmiths, I’m not perfect. Here I am venting because I tire faster and faster of the high road. Imagine if I didn’t hold back on trial jabs comin at me, bro. Would I be sweet like Mary? Shocked and inarticulate? Are you out of your group-think minds? She asked, noticing the clock was six minutes past the hour.

Nooooooooooooo! Maybe if I borrow 15 minutes at lunchtime…here’s a scene. Is this scene good or lame?

Bring sneakers for walking on cowpatties every 6 feet and call out as you skip: love love doom, love love doom, love love doom. Silence! This void is Community! Who dares usurp our tweety sale of biscuits: NumNumNumNum!
Tis arrogance behind epointing finger! Burn the witch before the crone comes for you! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Whatever. Back to work. 

Fonts. Come-at-able hosiery. Cold hard likes for likes. FutureYou 6/18/23

Fonts. Which do I choose for FutureYou. Why isn’t Bookman in this app? Ooh, how about Apple Chauncery:

No, Apple Chauncery would get tiring for a long-format writing. Also, I have to be conservative with stock image selections this month and can’t re-purpose a unicorn atm.

Ugh! Do I have to download fonts. Haven’t I struggled enough to progress on content for mthrfkng decades to grandfather out of being chained to the transatlantic boob tube to give a like for a like. Then cut into any remaining non-work hours to Google “submit?” Cutter. I’m already somewhat environmentally damned just for the writing part. And, also, and keep this under your wigs, I see a lot of less-than-good stuff that blows up because some poor non-profiteer is working the algorithms. It’s true. We have to stop being free content providers for social media. Somehow somehow. This whole pipe dream shoved down the throat of artists is pure gasoline. I get that there are some way encouraging shows, like The Bold Type and Younger, about publishing companies being able to read and choose outside of influencer-level social followings, and it’s Bronte neat that they end some episodes intimating finding relevant work before the closeup of a teardrop followed by the words “this is why we do it.”

Therapy. My insurance requires four failed attempts, at anti-depressants, to cover Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation, but that’s a story for another day. Yes, I finally have insurance. Don’t get me started. Snap off any comparative thoughts. Snap it off. Snap it off. Fonts. Does it even matter? Here’s Garamond:

Yeah, what do you want, Gentle Reader?

I said I wasn’t going to use the term “gentle reader.” It made a huge return in the early 1900s and was all over Hoffmann’s crucial tales in the 1800s and Swift used it in the 1700s for Gulliver’s Travels (if my sharp and forgiving memory serves me correctly, which it sadly does not always do 🙁 ).

bending time – love ciphering – 061623


Today: twenty mixes for dailies, outdated subscriptions that want $500 a year to continue with them, cutting losses and purchasing basics like an LUFS meter for EBU R 128 output and a sibilance plugin that doesn’t rape your spectrum and updating noise reduction tools to work with the fucking constant OS-architecture-compatibility changes, weekly conference looming meeting where i get to show the intranet i’ve been working on to organize the continuous proposals and budget forms in a way that we can compare them over the years, fifty emails to read and automate to a spreadsheet and pull out action items for another spreadsheet that links to a reminder calendar, mapping out over 200 groups worldwide and streamlining the data to an added layer for centers of excellence in tech to compare with our network, running out in the early am to clean and prep the writing lair for a guest, tree limbs down from a storm through the roof, students with deadlines who turned in their stack of paperwork to check and forms to submit to the registrar so they can go forth with pride, and everything i pass needs attention.

I am up for the task. The tempest never knew a better friend than me. It’s magic is neither black nor white and there’s no moment of forgetting or stepping outside of code to use our sacred connection as boast for others to glean that i am worth more than either of us believe.

That said, so much drags me down to the material level. No matter how much i cut the trammel, this life of responsibility finds and overwhelms me.

Within all of today’s frackery, i looked at the faces of deadlines and retarded ten minutes of time into needed hours by writing this little exacting kite of poetry. And we fly, we fly, we always fly. Not a thing anyone can suspect or project can change this personal maxim.

This bit is about the complex language of logic compared to the clear universal language of math; ideas related by agreed upon code. Amazing. But it’s harder to explain or create with ambiguous words describing feeling. That goes especially for explaining love.

do not speak
on the problematical
get in this floorless chariot
stick to the walls as we’re spinning
riding an ark of Greek math
from a semi-ecstatic stoic
poet with a heavier key
than technology 
in the 21st


It’s even harder to read a good love scene. FutureYou: star date 061423

That’s what I’m talking about. Thank you, Ken doll. I thought of this piece this morning while writing a scene for a book called FutureYou

Good morning, Alastor. I woke rested in my own wing. Night made no sound save its stillness in rest. We rose refreshed, ready for a cup of coffee and a walk without prate, though prattle a lyrical flow like words sewn into scarves and hats; blue blockers to keep the lingering sleep, as we float about the flocks and lilies flushed beyond perfection in the scatter of the waking sun that arises raring for our need. Listen in circadian impulse to answer the tryst with soft touch imbued by ratcheting motor-tasked fists, released from discord in today’s ballade, where I am the victor. But you can still be a hero—the sole need for shaven legs to slide down your fur. Let the balkers find their red herrings while love remains the curse and the cure.

Cere is so in love here and I have to stay offline to write these scenes. Have you ever noticed how much people can suck? I should finish that sentence: the life out of your motivation and self-possessed belief in your abilities to handle the truth or not confuse myth?  I need to pay tribute to Skroll again so he doesn’t drive me. I could schedule online days around scenes where a hammer needs to fall and write out all that angst after processing the confusion of Skroll’s kingdom.

Mourning pages 6/11/23 – I’m some kind of responsible speed dial list for my old party friends

I talked to one of my friends last night. He was drunk but had enough on top over the brain stem to ask if you can order a breathalyzer on DoorDash. Solid. You don’t take your car or keys if you plan to drink unless you want a court-ordered breathalyzer on your starter while you try to piece your live back together and let the rule of not operating heavy machinery while under the influence sink in. He knows this but got one of those early starts at a BBQ that was just supposed to be a pop-in. So I went to get him. It may have all just been a ruse from the cosmos to get me to socialize for a bit, and it is pretty hilarious to talk to a friend when they’re snookered. I took the roundabout and asked how fast he thought we were donuting.  Then had to actually stop for donuts. Yes and.

Tell me a story, he said, then fell asleep by the time I got him home. He missed the part where they skipped the scapegoats and went straight for the king.

My mind was on Claire anyway. She’s a real pill. Her presence, the audacity, causes rivers of energy spikes throughout the community. They jump up like spawning salmon, each bubbling out a quick comment:
“You make me feel dumb,” said the first one. Splash!
“You overthink things,” said the second one. Kerplunk!

She routinely has to find a whole different river to birth her thoughts. A real pill. Side effects include temporary psychosis, imaginary flirtation, alienation, and bowel rot. Ask your doctor, before leaving the pack, if She is right for you.

Most people fail at power. If power were a pill, what would be your side effects?

Anyway, Claire is very important to me and I for one love her fire and water, like a thunderbolt that reanimates the dead but will not be particularly harnessed. I just like to send her things that center me like writing, artwork, and creative encouragement. And of course humor. That’s about as close as I can get and still stay grounded enough to work all day, promote my mission and industry, teach, mentor students, do DIY work on houses, help oversee a ton of events and presentations, stay educated in too many interests, and not just want to stay at peace and rest in dreamland. 

I guess I understand Claire to some extent. And will her to hear me say that there really is hope that things will get better as you are never at the end. 

I wish she were here now…helping me figure out how to get my friend into his house. I actually do have a dolly with a leanback setting for heavy things. Or I could just belt him in the car, crack some windows, and lock him in for the night? I mean, he can get out if he wakes but no one can get in. Or I can just sit here and write this little ditty and try to wake him every so often for about six seconds of nonsense.

It is a pretty night and I do think I have a marker on me and some lipstick. He would look very pretty with a defined brow, a pencil style or even borat mustache, ooh, and the raisin plum color would really bring a cooling blush to his lips and cheeks. I think that a sweet memory like that would make this all worth it.

Mourning Pages 6/10/23 – Why can’t churches come clean with the back story?

It’s a known thing that writing letters you don’t send can help you get the block out. I have good relations with several Ministers, Pastors, and even a Prophet. This is through my audio/video production work. I did have to drop one client who pressured me about where my belief stood. It definitely wasn’t in their pentecostal sexist mess. I was raised Methodist and some of my kindest school friends were in the church. I wrote music with a friend who sang while I played violin. People told us we had the holy spirit in us and I found that cool but superstitious. Mostly because they had such a specific understanding in mind which was not mutual understanding. This friend and I would hang out without a mean word for anyone–no gossip, easy laughter, hikes through nature. But her father took a job out of state and she moved.

I tried hanging out Sundays with another friend at her Baptist church. Her grandparents were mean and severe and should be trapped in an American Gothic painting. They drove her to some stripper pole bucking come adulthood. But I found another friend who I didn’t have to do church weekend things with–we’d watch Dr Who and discuss adaptations to Dante’s Inferno. She made high school worth being in, though she probably had no idea what I went through at home.

I have had some conversations recently about about moving past passing discussions and joining a congregation or two. But all my shadow feels is a doomish end where my free will is bent into the shape of an existing community. Community just is not a dangling carrot for me anymore. I get along better with thought leaders than I do with herds of thought. I just cannot make assessment comfortable for people all of the time. And they do not buy the joviality I try to maintain. I think I’m chemically marked by heartbreak. Anyway, I decided this morning to write a letter responding to an invite; a letter I won’t send because it is too complicated:

Pastor David,

Good to hear from you. You should know that while I respect your faith, I am also into literature and history so will not likely pretend that the story of your religion was more than adapted during times of conversion. I wasn’t there but The Golden Bough is another good reference book; and I greatly know that there is no situational logic that multiplies free will by any amount of blind obedience or suspended belief. That has to be crowd control just as we should be miraculous beasts. 

Too much? I don’t know if you are a theologin or grew from a lineage of truth where openmindedness lets in devils—is there a word for that?—or other taboo: land mines, trap doors, s sounds.

But overall, I like the things you’ve said. Just want to put it out there that I feel no need to agree with your geospatial account of events. I can however see where we might agree on an end truth or two. Such as love is inherit and we should try to include our fellow [hu]man.

If that gels, then I will save my Zenner card cross jokes. And we can agree that the devil sprinkles in truths so that the truth resounds with you. While demons confirm that the evidence points to or unmasks you. As when tricksters take a joke way too far because power becomes a perverse goal once too much power has been taken away. The hurt hurt.

The hurt hurt.

I am good with this idea of grand intelligence and of healing fragmented consciousness. I feel the earth long to be within harmony with its fruit. But humans are not the grandest flowers here and show to be ailing with disease, while I for one root for her immunity. Heck, what if there was a whole core of failed higher species sinking under the eroding ground and feeding…sorry, that was a sci-fi tangent. 

Anyway, this planet was designed to be somewhat perennial and with as little or as much maintenance as desired. But the aberrant of our species keep taking the balances and I would like to revisit some theories, such as survival of the strongest. The fists of miraculous beasts are nothing compared to the strength of enlightened minds, like Einstein. I get why that transatlantic cable was revealed and how crowds jump upon technology within their coming-of-age stories while lumping older ages in with prehistoric zones. And meanwhile contributing by taking up 90,000 lbs of space on average per person with their leavings. While losing their shit over being forced to sip through paper straws. 

Oof, it is hard to talk about coming back to a youthful and naive belief that I’d gleaned as being important to my mom when I was wholly dependent on her and just wanted to see her rows of pearly teeth. It was a snug bubble to speak to the sky and think the trees and birds reacted to my sound. Childhood is magical like that. But as far as what you do, while I could understand need for shepherding, or for a bigger governing mystery, and that the surrender to goodness avoids obsession or compulsion in our short time before death, and that therapy moves only as fast as student debt, I don’t think humankind has earned continuance nor can this fruitful rock hold immortality.

Still want to hang out? Ha. I’m laying it on so feel free to be scared off or weirded out or uninterested in a conversation that might roll your ankle. 

For your elder, I recommend an rf blocker like a lined hat for electric workers. Whether dementia or a psychotic episode, all that matters is peace of mind. Be strong. She is in there but can’t come to the phone at the moment. I’d suggest friend 2 to go on a trip so friend 1 can have some freedom to her thoughts without too much separation anxiety that has no end in sight. Of course, the Creator gives better direction than me. Plus, I can’t step foot or roll my own ankle into your congregation. It houses too many judgmental conformists who pay to be absolved from their fear. I can’t handle that headache. I did check and the rf blocker doesn’t work for my rolling mind, nor do I have any kind of intrusive paranoia. I am one who will always investigate to make sure of a good foothold. I’m like Scully and Mulder became one. And I’m a fan of technology. Btw, never did understand the tin foil hat thing — wouldn’t that make you a walking antenna?

Ok, well, that’s enough. Well, one more thing. That cannibalistic reenactment ritual is some sophisticated bait and switch. Where did that come from? Did primitive cultures eat the dead? Was it like livestock profiteers who made that taboo? It had to come from somewhere. You don’t just eat a body or drink blood without some back story. Again, I am asking. And did not grow among too many taboos or too many elephants in the room. We were taught to appreciate the open think. 

So, yes, good to hear from you. I’m not asking you to expend any amount of effort or draft some kind of defense. God no. I am no homework monster, though do think that the written response can provide clearer careful wording. If it’s processed well as in reflected over. Should these thoughts be things you’ve perhaps already reflected on and you find it easy to reply to, I would appreciate understanding how to come home. If it is home. To come back to that place that made my mother happy in her faith. Though she made sure we exercised our greatest gift of free will and did not try to control our decisions of belief. So ultimately, I may not need much outside of the prayer closet aside from worry-free human interaction.

Mourning Pages – 5/30/23 Oxytocin – OXTR gene

I have a visitor who likes to come here to collect my thoughts. The best I can figure is that this is payback for failed efforts to borrow my essence with a membership card. Fuel is expensive. You can starve if you don’t know how to generate it. Cannot see a world in a grain of sand.

Let me break it down now that I’ve seen the lament and nonresponse to direct candor combined with social media blocks. This is so he can continue to “muse” off of my work. I’m not a muse and not amused. And had enough triggering damage from trying to be his friend. Even if you are so careful, leaving references vague doesn’t work if you confuse which artwork or concept is known, like Albion, and which is specific to me. You could seriously damage a person struggling with mental illness with the degree of subterfuge I experienced, and it seems probable that this is why so many crazy lovers crowd the room and the landscape. If the door to the objective closes there could be no coming back. Read that again and tell me if you think you are creating mystery or magic for other people as a love addict.

Common manipulation tactics include inflating perceived market value, and framing oneself as a skilled lover, and inserting fear of other partners or options. That toxic bachelor stance of adults who live a little is literarily the serpent dropping down from the tree. If any of these seduction category tactics work, it establishes fast intimacy while the playing wanderer gathers intel like a vitiating scribe. The intel is leverage which can also be gained by going for compromised targets. Other classic power plays include love bombing, sharing too much too soon, coveting someone once you see that person has currency, ignoring their achievements, withholding admiration, isolating a person, and deflating their morale so they won’t share. For sensitized person(s), the confusion can trigger old trauma. If you can pinpoint that this person you trusted is not who you thought they were and you manage to escape the chaos, they might broadcast their lamentation in an attempt to garner sympathy from new unsuspecting women. This might look like vulnerability from someone who just really has a big heart and wants to love, which is hard to resist, so always listen to your intuition and know that healthy love is clear. It is not so confusing that you wonder if you might be snapping or enter some kind of protective dissociative state.

In this case that manipulating love addict is hurting and could likely feel all of these emotions. He’s not some kind of evil mastermind but follows a well-practiced pattern. This could be due to an aberrant oxytocin receptor and a non-normal pair-bonding pattern. Loop de loop. Oxytocin can surge with preoccupation on the uncertainty of relationships, while stalking bad relationships, during arousal, and during types of suffering such as isolation and high rumination levels. So lamentation on unrequited love or ruin increases oxytocin levels. In women, oxytocin drops from ovulation to bloodshed so that is when they will either cuddle with you or make a stew from your bones. Hold the marrow. The OTXR gene aberrancy has links to developmental insecure attachment bonding.

This is not the kind of thing you experience, struggle to understand, then keep to yourself. Identifying bad patterns and reasons means you can try to stop yourself in real time. Shrugging things off at the conscious level only works during high phases. Can’t escape that governing mind.

Oxytocin: figs, watermelon, avocado, massage, cuddling, yoga, music, love, intimacy, orgasms, touch (for some, that’s physical and emotional touch), lavender, jasmine, sage, sandalwood.

Mourning Pages 5/27/23 – People are jerks. Namastain.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

Kurt Vonnegut

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

Stephen Hawking

I’d like to thank some stars who popped in on my life for existing and also for exiting with containment commentary on how cutting or scornful I am. Thought about that and how ugly sarcasm must seem to the Lord’s purer children. How cynicism must smack the holy look off a sinner-turned-saint’s face. Hail Mary and Namastain.

But wait, isn’t this world choking at the brim with paradox and hypocrisy? Don’t purer people show their shock of a thing that undermines them in some way? Their tribe values or their group morals or their own voice? Could this form of criticism be specific to these shiny stars? I thought about how Oscar Wilde boldly wrote out of this absurd world. Cracked some books and realized he might be a twink less vicious than I have been but then that’s apple trifles to tangerine dreams for the Victorian era. A look at modern writers suggests that I could actually stand to open the control valve. The best part of this query was discovering Christopher Moore whose excerpts brought me some much-needed laughter. Looking forward to Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal arriving in the mail.

I was approaching misery before starting our AES section. Audio dudes just don’t talk to women and I’m almost 30 years into the field. I handle gaslight well by now and can remove a few heads to get to the subliminal message in the Russian Doll of it all. But getting to the international arena gave me access to many brilliant thinkers in my field and now I can easily choose stimulating conversation over apathy or criticism from people who just like it simple. I just need to find a pinch of that with a small writing circle. I really like some of the poets on Twitter but what I really want, from within my tank, is to finish a book I’ve worked on then put down then worked on then abandoned for the chance to work with people. Finding a writer or two for mutual support is challenging to do while barely leaving the house. And there are potential pitfalls it turns out like synchronic loops of suffering that start with feeling understood but can end with feeling estranged and alienated until your shadow returns to harvest a clearing. As if life weren’t absurd enough to begin with. I hibernate, mull, thaw, get up, then fight and reason for the energy to dig in anyway so some other surreptitious blamer can ready the rug to pull out from under my summoned enthusiasm. Meanwhile there is still more than enough in the social environment to shake a fist at. Absurdity driven by one materialistic branch or another.

I recently ran into an old acquaintance who said I forgot about your ridiculous sense of humor and I miss it so much. Reread that with a British accent, please. I wanted to reply I forgot about your awkward interjaculatory narration of the actual conversation we are having and I miss it more than Poppycock.

There’s a bit more to that story and my thought reaction that I won’t get into but what scares me is that I may get to the point of reacting out loud to subtext. It’s all absurd, you’re all absurd, and I am absurd. I have just the character for heroically summarizing this sensation:

Let’s go do my thing and hang out. Sound good? I happen to know a good therapist who lives out by Mirror Lake. Let us flit there on my whimsicle. You can sit in back and steer, but I get to ring the bell. Ding! 

It’s such a lively day that even the trip to see Amus Thal will lift your spirit. Spirit, do you need a lift or will you meet us there? Let’s take the scenic route and plus I want to avoid that mucky slump where the land plot twists. It may be a faster route but you gunk up your tires and the whimsicle becomes heavy. By the time you ride back through, more guck cakes on the old muck and compounds the problem. Then by Cross Leg Rd, you’re basically hydroplaning downhill and missing the best part of the trip.

for Amus Thal

Work in progress for the Watershed series. During a work retreat this week at Deer Creek State Park, I got to do some solo hiking and writing. Gathered these leaves on the Adena trail.