Do you ever get the strange sensation that you might be having telepathic sex? No? Me neither. Sure is a pretty day. Yep. Ok, have fun. You too. Yep. Roger that. Yep. Bye! We’ll see ya. Yep yep yeppers.
Allow me to give you a little back story. I was born. 25 years later, I adopted “George of the Jungle” as my theme song, swapping the word “George” with “bored.” In truth, there’s no end to my fascination with plant life.
But enough about me. Why is it so crippling to tell someone how you feel? Just say it: “I miss you and I’m sorry you treated me like a fucking groupie even though we expressed a connection and capacity deeper than the average chat,” said the chit. Chit chat paddy whack chitty shitty bang bang.
I suck at this. Say it: I love your heart and accept all of you but stay away from me because you are a bull in a psychic china shop. Nope.
Perhaps I should give up on this and just go groom the show ponies. They’re up next and will be pooping out poetry prompts. I want to get involved as I get a splash of dopamine with every Like. The overall theme of this year’s word circus is AI. Are we scared as a hole society of losing our programmed ability to feel if we rely on AI to chat about the weather? Do our institutions need to buy different hoops for student ponies to jump through to obey their tedious grail tasks for that golden diploma of soft skills mixed with hard skills mixed with viscous sun-baked skittles? Will a chicken cease to peck at a button if their reward center can no longer be stimulated and how does the emulated pecking of artificial intelligence interfere with our own basic sufferable human right to peck at a button or to one day become a button or to dare to hope to dream that one day we might rubberize the chicken. And what’s next, roosters roaming the garden with their slick oily plumage, rutting and crowing at the crack of dawn like a sight to behold that we get to enjoy while we wake when we please and a lab-grown cell burger drops down from the air vent as the chickens also live and you fought that unmerican meat it at first — those science nerds think they’re so smart with their pansy murderless magical utopian conspiracy to steal our guns — but you’re told you’re very happy with your choice and something about the sanctity of life and there was that bit about a high psi of absorbable proteins that makes this delicious amino burger taste reeeeal good. Is that panko? Jessup? Hand me my beak so I can get this dang breading off and see what the tarnation is under this bun!
I need therapy. Because that ’s a new concept. Can you be sued for breaking a therapist’s mind? What if Hannibal Lector went to see Becky Green who just got her certification and Becky said problems and answers come from within. What part of Becky would you choose to eat? Personally, I don’t like to see anyone suffer, so I’d probably mustard an epiphany emoji on my face and float out of there with great relish before pulling over on the way home to cry by the side of the road.
Anyway, hamburger bun, will AI ever mean we get to be more free? Our studies certainly show that people seem to be more productive when given freedom and that happiness is a marketable commodity. One of our biggest findings from that study is how paranoid people seem to be about being monitored.
It is hard to revisit vulnerability with someone who didn’t notice your efforts or even respond when you said directly what you needed. How many more years was I supposed to sit around and giggle while the men did their important writing? It is almost as if I had no choice but to clear the prairie, Pa. I’m pretty sure it was prescribed fire but am fuzzy on who wrote the script. I’m not proud of walking away and I’m sorry if that made you skip a beat. It’s certainly not fun to try to just forget about someone you care for and just push them out of your limbic zone. It’s like Judge Doom trying to impersonate Arthur Fonzarelli up in here.
Boy do I hate what constitutes a mating dance these days. Y’all are so rehearsed with repeated stories of who you are, what you love about yourself, what will bring you around to what you want to be; riding that addictive neurochemical high—god damn you look good—in the mirror—before it crashes into lovesick depression with a hangover you gotta boohoo through before you can do a long evolution-of-man crawl back to society using the ever-focusing energy of anger. It is a nice sword and it’s really too bad you can’t take it with you. Unless of course the reaper hands it to you then you are the reaper. I just said that. Come on, society, pitch in here. Speaking of pitch, your music sucks. Pulse beats are decent but the monotony is numbing: untzs untzs untzs untzs bitches hoes untzs untzs libido-o-o-o-ooo untzs untzs animal untzs untzs gonna ding dat ho
We’re all so turned on that the hyper-lubrication is actually making our endocrine system ignore its other duties. Luckily our prayers are not unheard here in the 9th circle. And you even get a cup with some string to communicate with Master Skroll up on 3. O great Skroll, I pray to thee. Text me spark and spontaneity and subtlety of tone. I offer thee as sacrifice this hermateacherstudent whose sex has been flushed down a symbiotic drain. O enter me, great Skroll, through my eagerly open authority gap. Dent me with your confident lol. Frolic through my vetiver lumps and bring me sweet limerence with your psychotropic anemone. Trauma-bond to my suffering coochakra with your deep sorcerous DM. Wrap your chiromanic palms around my vulvatic throat and take me to that brinky veil, so that I may actualize my petty fear of death in worship at your feet. Fuck fuck fuck me.
And fuck you, too, she whispers, so no one can hear her or proceed to torture her with their one-dimensional ingrained Scorpion lyrics: The bitch is hungry / She needs you to pull / through the drive-thru so she can get her sack of scorn / Lol / Laugh Off Lung / titter like schoolgirls up on 6.
… Yeah, so I miss you, but this whole slight of hand thing is fooling no one. Gah, so close. Perhaps Mr T can help me explain:
NOTHING’S BLACK AND WHITE, FOOL!
PUNK-ASS ONE-SIDED CONVERSIN ACTIN LIKE YOU HURT
DONE TRIED NOTHIN LET ALONE EVERYTHIN
AIN’T TALKD TO MY GIRL IN YEARS, SUCKER!
*clap clap clap* Thank you for that, Mr T. That was lovely. Hey, call me if you ever reboot your cartoon and need a kicky character whose career is parodying love songs about their dog.
Also, if anyone I know reads this, please keep your concern valves in the OFF position. Don’t turn my writing and expression into some kind of ‘real’ moment that essentially censors me to a shelf where there are knitting needles and makeup tips. I’m not saying I’m some kind of artist or smart or have unlocked the afterlife or anything. I’m just letting it out and am way too naive to know what I’m saying. You have no idea how long it took to appear this naive. Thank you, have a nice day. And for gosh sake get out there and enjoy this spring weather!